Busted

A couple of pictures of my crash landing at the Target popped up on Facebook. Don't worry, my face is all blurry and pixelated. Still, it's crazy how these things spread. I guess one of those kids started a "human cannonball" group. It's only been eight days, but I have something of a cult following. I would not mind changing the group's title. I would suggest something, but I can't think of anything appropriate without dancing a cliche tango.

Besides, at this point, it seems to be pretty descriptive of my exhibitions.

I went back to work at the firm. The Names (named partners) decided that I was not lying about my billables and gave me the green light to bill away. Name #1 told me, "keep this up and your name will be next to mine in no time."

I suppose he meant it as a compliment. Afterall, lawyers with names on firms have achieved the pinnacle of law-firm life -- and wealth. But for a guy who can run through the sound barrier and jump over the firm's high rise, having my name on the building seems a little bit petty.

So, I started rethinking my career options. I could make a killing as an athlete. I could pick any sport and be an unstoppable force. Except golf. I just don't have the courage to do it.

I grew up on superhero cartoons and scifi movies. And what I know from such classics as Spiderman and the X-files, is that it is usually best to keep freakish, superhuman abilities secret. I don't know if "They" would really kidnap me and perform strange experiments, but I also don't want to find out.

Oh! I discovered another cool ability: x-ray vision. But before any teenage boys get too exited, I should explain that it is not all its cracked up to be. Sure, I can look through clothes, but when I use it, I also can't help but look through skin, too. So unless you get a kick out of bones, not too thrilling. Besides, I can't help but feel bad about bombarding innocent people with radiation from my eyes.

Trying to fly

I think I am like most other people, in that I really want to fly. Only, I just might have the ability, practically speaking. I have been refining my jumping abilities--more specifically, my landing abilities. At night, when normal suburbanites are sleeping, I practice jumping distances and hitting marks. For example, there is a Target parking lot about a mile and a half down the road. (I know it sounds a bit too obvious: a target Target, but it is convenient).

I used Google Earth to pick a closer mark to get the correct trajectory, and made a big jump.
As I hurtled through the air, completely out of control (how does Superman steer? Cape?), I though I might be able to attach a fin or rudder, or something, to my back. Then I hit the parking lot surface, face first. By now, I don't worry about seriously injuring myself. I have discovered that I am pretty well indestructible (remember how I smashed by bricked in barbecue to bits?).

The real problem with such a landing is the embarassment I would suffer if someone saw me. And this time, someone did. A group of teenagers were hanging out in the parking lot (3 a.m., don't these children have parents?). They laughed at me, but did not seem too surprised when they saw me get up and run off at near supersonic speeds. Did I mention I can run fast enough to break the sound barrier?

Anyway, the teenagers couldn't really see my face, but they did try to take a picture with their phones. I will have to be more careful.

I am still on hiatus from the lawfirm, and I don't miss it at all.