Speeding

A word about running: they don't make shoes like they make high-performance radials. While this may seem a bit obvious, you have probably never considered the consequences. In a weekend of racing, a NASCAR crew usually goes through 10-15 sets of tires. Why? Well, you've probable seen the spectacular blowouts on Sportscenter when one of the tires explodes and the whole car spins, flips, and breaks to pieces.

I can run so much faster than NASCAR, which is some kind of rush. There is nothing quite like looking over your shoulder at the ground print of a sonic boom. Every particle of dust, pavement, vehicle, house, and sidewalk shakes and trembles outward from me in a "V." Exhilarating, right?

But stopping and turning at those speeds is the real problem. I've tried Nike, Reebok, Addidas, New Balance, Saucony, and even a Euro-brand called Geox. None of them can perform at my level. Remember that NASCAR crash? That's what happens to me when my shoes blow out. And they invariably blow out. Sometimes it's when I am still accelerating. Sometimes it happens when I try to stop. Sometimes when I turn. It always ends in a crash.

I think I have mentioned that I am virtually indestructible? This is very important when I run. Unfortunately, I still feel pain. So as I tumble, bounce, flip, and skid for six-hundred yards after my shoes collapse, I feel every inch of it.

On a side note, I am getting more attention at the law firm. I'm not billing quite as much per day (I'm down to fourteen billable hours a day) but I am still way ahead of every other associate this year. Still, the Names are concerned with the trend, and not the production. So one of the Names gave me a hard time and warned me not to slip any more. But I don't care, because I have better things to do with the eight hours I should be sleeping.

Despite what may be your impression from reading my blog, I do not use all that time jumping, runnning, crashing, and peering through my neighbors' walls. You see, I have a girlfirend. We've been dating for a few months and I can see it really going somewhere. These new abilities have complicated things, because I don't want her to know about them. No one wants to date a freak: even a super freak.

Busted

A couple of pictures of my crash landing at the Target popped up on Facebook. Don't worry, my face is all blurry and pixelated. Still, it's crazy how these things spread. I guess one of those kids started a "human cannonball" group. It's only been eight days, but I have something of a cult following. I would not mind changing the group's title. I would suggest something, but I can't think of anything appropriate without dancing a cliche tango.

Besides, at this point, it seems to be pretty descriptive of my exhibitions.

I went back to work at the firm. The Names (named partners) decided that I was not lying about my billables and gave me the green light to bill away. Name #1 told me, "keep this up and your name will be next to mine in no time."

I suppose he meant it as a compliment. Afterall, lawyers with names on firms have achieved the pinnacle of law-firm life -- and wealth. But for a guy who can run through the sound barrier and jump over the firm's high rise, having my name on the building seems a little bit petty.

So, I started rethinking my career options. I could make a killing as an athlete. I could pick any sport and be an unstoppable force. Except golf. I just don't have the courage to do it.

I grew up on superhero cartoons and scifi movies. And what I know from such classics as Spiderman and the X-files, is that it is usually best to keep freakish, superhuman abilities secret. I don't know if "They" would really kidnap me and perform strange experiments, but I also don't want to find out.

Oh! I discovered another cool ability: x-ray vision. But before any teenage boys get too exited, I should explain that it is not all its cracked up to be. Sure, I can look through clothes, but when I use it, I also can't help but look through skin, too. So unless you get a kick out of bones, not too thrilling. Besides, I can't help but feel bad about bombarding innocent people with radiation from my eyes.

Trying to fly

I think I am like most other people, in that I really want to fly. Only, I just might have the ability, practically speaking. I have been refining my jumping abilities--more specifically, my landing abilities. At night, when normal suburbanites are sleeping, I practice jumping distances and hitting marks. For example, there is a Target parking lot about a mile and a half down the road. (I know it sounds a bit too obvious: a target Target, but it is convenient).

I used Google Earth to pick a closer mark to get the correct trajectory, and made a big jump.
As I hurtled through the air, completely out of control (how does Superman steer? Cape?), I though I might be able to attach a fin or rudder, or something, to my back. Then I hit the parking lot surface, face first. By now, I don't worry about seriously injuring myself. I have discovered that I am pretty well indestructible (remember how I smashed by bricked in barbecue to bits?).

The real problem with such a landing is the embarassment I would suffer if someone saw me. And this time, someone did. A group of teenagers were hanging out in the parking lot (3 a.m., don't these children have parents?). They laughed at me, but did not seem too surprised when they saw me get up and run off at near supersonic speeds. Did I mention I can run fast enough to break the sound barrier?

Anyway, the teenagers couldn't really see my face, but they did try to take a picture with their phones. I will have to be more careful.

I am still on hiatus from the lawfirm, and I don't miss it at all.

Still Haven't Slept

It's been more than a month since my last post and I still have not slept. Pretty strange, huh? The partners at my firm seem to think so, too. I billed 600 hours in July. I thought the partners would be impressed and, just maybe, tell me good job.

So far, in August, I have billed ZERO hours. That's right, I'm on leave while the partners investigate my billing practices and my work product. Turns out they move pretty slow on these things. But, I am getting paid. . . .

Well, I have had lots of free time. I have applied that free time to my pursuit of self discovery. You see, skipping sleep and billing tons of hours is not my only special/strange ability. I can jump really high; I'm not sure how high, though.

One evening a couple weeks ago, I was shooting hoops in the driveway, alone. I had a long day of watching soaps and wondering what to do with my time. Finally, just as the sun was setting, I thought a bit of exercise would be nice. I tossed up a couple of shots and started remembering my high-school "glory" days. I lettered in basketball three years, but never got much play time. But I played once in a while. Once, during my Senior year, the coach put me in when we were up by about 25 points. I picked off a pass, dribbled the length of the court uncontested, and jumped with all my might. I soared through the air to the hoop--a bit surprised with how high I was--and threw the ball down toward the hoop, grabbing the rim with both hands. What a rush! Only, the ball clanged off the back of the rim and bounced to half-court. Worst moment of my adolescence. I never tried to dunk again.

So, on that August evening, after sitting around munching Doritoes, my confidence swelled and I thought it was time to try again. I dunked easily. No effort invovled, and that got me thinking, and jumping.

Here's the thing about jumping. When you jump a few inches or even a couple of feet, you know, more or less, where you will land. When you jump really like--say, over a house--predicting your landing gets more difficult. Especially when you don't know what is on the other side. With a little practice and abundant caution, however, it can be exhilarating.

I started out by practicing jumping into my swimming pool at night. I stood across the yard and jumped. Easy. Then I started jumping over a corner of my house, then I tried from the front lawn. I cleared the house (two-stories) without a problem. You might be thinking that it is a bit weird that I can jump over my house, but it gets weirder (more weird?).

I don't know if the wind picked up, or I just slipped a little, but I missed the pool. As I crested the rooftop, I knew I was in trouble because I found the pool moving to my right. As I fell toward my bricked-in barbecue, I thought, "how am I going to explain this to the paramedics?"

Turns out, I'm built stronger than bricks and my barbecue is just a pile of rubble.

So this is Blogging

I don't really know much about blogging. I can't make my own stylish header and I don't know where people find all those templates. I just need a place to get things off my chest.

I have been experiencing some pretty strange things--things I can't explain and sometimes don't want to. While I am experiencing weird things, I guess it would probably be more accurate to say I am discovering unusual things about me.

For example, I don't need to sleep. I can sleep, but if I skip a couple days or a couple weeks, I don't seem to be any worse for the wear. I just found this out a couple of weeks ago, when I had to work through the weekend to finish a high-priority project at the firm. Since I am pretty new at the job, I had never worked like that before. I billed 56 hours straight. It was pretty intense.

There were nine or ten of us associates and one partner crowded around the conference room table between with piles of notes, draft contracts, and foam coffee cups. At first, I downed the coffee just like the rest of the lawyers, but the frequent bathroom breaks were ruining my flow and cutting into my billables. So I just stopped drinking it. Turns out, I didn't get tired. At all. The partner overseeing our work seemed pretty impressed.

I kind of got curious on Sunday night after the weekend push and decided to conduct my own sleep deprivation experiment. I haven't slept a wink since and I have yet to feel tired. But I have started noticing a lot of other unusual abilities. At first, I thought I was just losing my grip on reality. After all, sleep deprivation -- I looked this up on Wikipedia -- can cause all sorts of side effects like delusions and hallucinations. But then I verified my abilities with a disinterested third party who has chosen to remain anonymous.

They are real.